Attachment happens naturally with a bio child. They are helpless at birth. They are completely dependent on others to
feed them, bathe them, change them, carry them, comfort them etc… I think God designed babies to come out as
little, tiny and helpless bundles so that the family bond would form
naturally. It happens to a large degree
by default. Of course, we should
consciously and intentionally spend time to nurture this bond, to cherish our
children and help them to mature and grow in positive ways.
Sara and I are to some degree, experienced parents. While we have yet to reach the teen years, (6
months left!) we do have a 12 year old, 10 year old and 6 year old. All three of these children are clearly
bonded to us. They are very accepting of
their extended families, church family and our large group of friends, but all
three definitely know who their family members are, and who is there to care
for, comfort and guide them.
What Sara and I do NOT have experience at is something that
we will be doing within the next week, and that is fostering attachment and
bonding in a child that has spent the first few months and years in an orphanage
and/or foster care. For children in an
orphanage, attachment no longer happens by default. Their world has been completely turned upside down. They do not understand the concept of
family. They have had a rotation of
caregivers and they don’t know who to turn to when they are hurting, hungry or sad.
If a child has been in foster care (as Li Lin has) she may
have formed attachments. We hope that Li
Lin has. As she was lovingly cared for,
fed, bathed and clothed by her foster-family, she would have learned to some extent what a family
is and how to bond. This is a large
positive. However, just think how she
will feel when all that she has known will be taken from her. The person or people she has come to depend
on and to trust will be gone. Instead,
she will be placed in the arms of two people that look different, speak a
different language, eat different foods, etc…
Her whole world will be taken from her.
She will need to learn once again to trust. She will need to re-establish who are her
primary caregivers, who are the people who will feed her, comfort her, nurse
her wounds and help to heal her broken heart.
Throughout our adoption journey thus far, we have been very
touched by the very positive responses, the care and interest shown, the many prayers
and well-wishes. Many of you are excited
and looking forward to seeing, meeting and interacting with the newest little
member of our family. We know that many
of you can’t wait to take her in your arms and snuggle her and tickle her and
smother her with kisses. We appreciate
all of you and your interest in her. The
thing is, during our first little while home, Sara and I will be just another
set of people to Li Lin; easily replaced by yet another pair of arms with a hug
or hands with some food. She will need
to learn who mama and baba are. She will
need to learn who to turn to when she is hurt, when she is sad, when she is
hungry, etc. This is the process of
bonding and forming attachments. This
process does not happen in hours or days, but takes weeks and months (and
years).
During the initial time home, we will have a small circle
for Li Lin. Sara and I will be providing
the care for her. We will bathe, feed,
clothe, comfort, put her to bed and just be there for her. We will be the ones to pick her up, to carry
her, to cuddle with her. Helping to
establish that firm attachment to mom and dad as primary caregiver will enable
her to form strong bonds and attachments to others later on in life. As she develops that firm grasp of who her
nuclear family is, we will expand her circle and introduce her to our wonderful
friends and family. We hope that you
understand that you may have to wait a bit longer than you would like to be introduced
to our little darling. And we ask that when you do meet her, to let her initiate the interactions. An infant grows up with family and friends
around and as they start to notice and recognize faces, those special people
are already familiar to them. To a toddler,
everyone is a stranger. They must be
introduced to the special people in our lives little by little. While you might want to pick her up in your
arms, this might only serve to scare her or make her wonder if this is yet another
person come to take her away from what she knows.
We look forward to this journey, though we do recognize that
there are likely to be challenges. We
hope that you understand our position and while you may not agree with our
actions and decisions, we are doing what is best for Li Lin, both now and in
the long term. We are not experts. We haven’t done this before. However, we are relying on the information of
experts, what we have learned from courses, books and other parents who have
BTDT (been there done that). There is no
‘absolute way’ and we know that every child is different, but there are
principles to follow to help Li Lin in her attachment and adjustment to our
family. We value your continued prayers
and support.
Here are links to two other blog posts that may help you
understand more about attachment.
The first blog post presents an interesting
perspective. This lady is a psychologist
with a therapy practice who also happens to be an adoptive ‘aunt’ – so she
knows firsthand the excitement and anticipation of meeting a little one for the
first time, but having to hold back on showing affection.
The second blog post first is from an adoptive mother. It is an open letter to family and friends
about their son and how they will be interacting with him when they first get
home. While not all of this would be
applicable to our situation, the vast majority would be.
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